Stand Firm

I hear it all the time.  Stand firm.  Stand up for yourself.  You've got to stand for something. Don't give in to peer pressure. Stand firm in your faith.  I'm sure you too have heard these and others. These are good things to hear. It certainly sounds good to me when I say to someone who is in crisis "Just stand firm, this too shall pass." Then my own crisis enters my life.  My doctor takes my hand in hers and says "I'm sorry it's cancer." I don't feel anything for awhile.  She continues "I'm going to schedule your surgery for next Tuesday."  Wait - that's only four days from now!  Don't I get time to do something?  I don't have a clue as to what I would do, but somehow I feel the need for more time. I hear my own voice saying "Stand firm..." Now I know just how useless that advice is.

I feel like a stranger in my own body.  Maybe my time here is up.  Stand firm... Oh yeah, right - how am I supposed to stand firm right now?  This is not the time to stand firm, this is the time to totally freak out.  I'm talking about a big time freak out, not some little miniature melt down. This deserves a psychotic reaction on a grand scale. I wonder if I can be exempt from cancer if I go insane.  Probably not.

The next few days pass.  I have celebratory dinners with my family. I think about what it might be like to die. I think about havng an incision in my abdomen.  I don't like that idea.  As a matter of fact, I really don't like this whole cancer thing at all.  Stand firm... Oh shut up!

Then it strikes me.  I can't stand firm.  What was I thinking? There is no way I can stand firm when I'm experiencing a serious life changing crisis.  This is not the time to stand firm, this is the time to be supported.  Ah, now that sounds like a much better idea. God doesn't want me to just tough it out and go through this trying to stand firm, yet completely unequipped to do so.

This is the time to lean on God.  He can keep me standing firm if he wants to.  My mind clears up a bit.  I'm supposed to take everything to God in prayer.  Well, why didn't I remember that right away? I pray. I'm not feeling it.  I pray more - my prayers are distracted and I'm just sure that God has his prayer score card out and there is a very low score displayed. I pray more.  I read my Bible.  I'm starting to feel connected. I give up and just rely on God.

On Sunday, I go to church.  A friend there asks me how I am.  I tell her I have cancer. She takes me out of the sanctuary and we talk.  She is the leader of the prayer warriors at our church.  I didn't know this. God did.  She fires up the prayer team. Prayers are said. More friends are there for me, praying for me. I'm starting to feel myself on solid ground.

I allow myself to lean on God, my friends and their prayers for me. I don't worry when I can't pray for myself because there are many praying for me and God understands. I'm standing firm. How strange. I no longer feel the need to disintegrate. I feel confident.  I'm still afraid, but I know God is right there beside me.  I know I am covered in prayer.  I am still standing firm and it's because I gave up and gave it all to God.  He provided my solid foundation made up of those people he put in my life to encourage me, support me, and to pray for me.  This is why I'm standing firm.

No matter what the circumstances, I know that I cannot stand firm on my own. Christ knows what it's like to stand firm through circumstances so horrible I cannot even conceive of the pain. He did this on purpose - dying for me to redeem me. So now I am able to go to God through Christ and ask for help. It's only when I give up trying to rely on my own strength and instead rely on God, that I truly stand firm.